REUNIONThe Five Phases of Reunion
1. PRE-ENTRY
are first few days before your reunion. You're working long hours to ensure equipment has been turned in and that your work is caught up before arriving home. Things to expect in this phase are:
Fantasies - Excitement - Work - Planning - Thoughts 2. REUNION
is the immediate meeting and a few days after your arrival. This is the time of courtship, relearning, intimacy, and a happy time or honeymoon. This is not the time to address
problems. It is a time for understanding. Things to expect in this phase are: Physical changes - Court again - Social events
Immediate excitement - Pride in each other - Intimacy and sex Tired/ready to relax - Include children - Give time and space 3. DISRUPTION
as problems surface, expectations of a Normal Family Life
go down. This is the time the problems come up. If there was a good reunion, these problems will eloquently or diplomatically surface. Things to expect in this phase are: Independence - Different Routine - Finances - Control - Thoughts - Trust - Jealousy - Hard times stories - Gifts - Decision making - Unresolved problems/issues - Children issues
(Issues/Changes/ Growth) 4. COMMUNICATION
is a time of renegotiating new routines, reconnect, redefine family roles, acceptance of control and decision making. New rules will be established. Things to expect in this phase are:
Renegotiate - Trust - Reconnect - Acceptance - Explain new rules 5. NORMAL
- Back to the normal family routine of sharing, growing, and experiencing the ups and downs, happiness and sadness of a family. Things to expect in this phase are:
Routines established - Changes accepted - Personal growth
"I DIDN'T GET MARRIED TO LIVE ALONE" How many times since learning of your spouse's
deployment, have you thought these very words? There are many ways of dealing with a military separation.
One of the worst is to sit at home brooding about your situation. No, it's not fair, and, yes, it's inevitable. Separation is a fact of military life and how you deal with it is up to
you. There are some things to keep in mind to deal with separation effectively.
You may experience a wide range of emotions: feelings like fear, loneliness, anger, and even grief. These feelings may appear one at a time or in a jumble of emotions. The feelings may not appear at all, or may sneak up on you unexpectedly. If they do appear, remember that these feelings are normal and it's O.K. Even when SUPERMOM down the street is in control, chances are she is going through the same thing, just reacting and handling the situation differently.
You must accept the separation. Your spouse is being deployed and nothing is going to change that fact. The sooner you learn to accept the situation, the sooner you can
prepare for his/her leaving. Figure out in advance what to do with your time: do you have any interest in learning a new craft, taking the time to finish that quilt, refinishing the table,
learning to paint? Is there anything you want to do? Get involved by doing volunteer work (Army Community Service, American Red Cross, Youth Activities, etc.) Not only will this
get you out of the house, but also it will put you in contact with other adults and the needs of your community. For most volunteer work you put in, childcare is provided. When you've been
in the house alone with the kids for several days, stress and tensions magnify and problems arise. You need to have contact with adults. While it is important to take time out for
yourself, this is a great opportunity to spend time with your children. Try to keep the day to day activities "routine", but plan special outings: go on picnics, go to the beach,
a movie or plan special outings for "when Daddy/Mommy comes home." Often, a birthday, anniversary, or another holiday will come during a deployment. One way to make it easier is to plan the
celebration for a day before or after your spouse's return. Remember that it is not the day itself that is all-important, but the meaning and the sentiment the day represents. The
memory and love that surrounds the day can and should be celebrated any day of the year. Keeping lines of communication open is essential. You might be fortunate enough to have
phone calls. If this is not possible, try keeping a "journal." At the end of the day write down the highlights, any problems that may have occurred and solutions to the
problems. Try not to make this a grief sheet, but a daily account. Then send it off once a week. Also try sending tapes and pictures, especially if the children are small.
Over long deployments, infants become toddlers, personalities develop and the deployed parent often feels left out of the growing process. Pictures and tapes can't take the place of
actually being there, but they are the second best solution. While doing these things will not replace your spouse, it will help pass the time. Not only will the days go quicker, but
also you will have less time to feel your spouse's absence. REDUCING HOMECOMING STRAIN
THINGS THE SERVICE MEMBER SHOULD REMEMBER:Re-enter slowly. Don't disturb a family set-up that has been working without you. Expect changes
in both your wife and your kids. (You have changed some, too!) Adapt accordingly, remembering that most of the changes mean growth and maturity. If some of the changes are negative, be patient; you and your family will have plenty of time to bring things back around to a position of comfort.
Spend maximum time with the family. If possible, postpone reunions with relatives and friends until near normal routines have been established at home. Don't try to alter
the financial affairs. Chances are your spouse has been handling them fine. Take it easy on the kids, especially where discipline is concerned. Don't barge in as the "heavy."
Expect that sex may be awkward between you and your spouse at first. Talk it over. "THINGS THE SPOUSE SHOULD REMEMBER:" Expect changes
; both of you have experienced a great deal Remember the service member has been subject to daily regimentation and routine...and may rebel against schedules and pre-planned events. Leave
some room for spontaneity. Drive for a while. It may have been a time since he/she has driven. The service member may want to celebrate the return with a spending spree. If you
can't afford it, hold tight to the purse strings. The urge to spend will pass. Expect the service member to be surprised or hurt that you've coped so well alone. You can reassure
him or her that he or she is loved and needed without giving up your own independence. WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOUR SPOUSE RETURNS: All family members must realize that people
change. We notice these changes more after a period of long absence. Expect some anger and insecurity along with love and happiness. These feelings need to be expressed.
Expect your spouse to be different. If he/she is not, fine. If they have changed, you're prepared. This goes for BOTH of you. Expect your spouse to be a little hurt that you
have managed so well without him/her. They will need reassurance you still need them. Expect your spouse to want to be "babied" by you. Expect that it will be about six weeks to adjust
to each other again. If you're not getting along well at the end of six weeks, counseling might help. Expect your spouse to have trouble sleeping for a while. They are accustomed to
a different lifestyle (and possibly time zone); it may take them a week or two to adjust. Don't grill your spouse about personal problems if they arise. Give him/her time to
readjust. Swallow your curiosity. This goes for BOTH of you.
TAKE TIME TO BE CHARMING!PROBLEM SOLVING STEPS 1.
Identify and define the problem or conflict. What is really the problem? What exactly is wrong? Identify the problem without assigning blame or attacking persons. Be
aware of the feelings and needs of all those involved.2. Brainstorm for possible solutions. Express and record all ideas as fast as you think of them. No judgment or
discussion is allowed during brainstorming. BE CREATIVE! 3. Evaluate the alternatives. Look at the consequences of each possible solution. Work together to find a
solution acceptable to all. Give and take is necessary for a win-win solution. 4. Choose the best solution. Mutual agreement/consensus and commitment are necessary.
5. Implement the solution. Decide when and how to evaluate: changes needed, delegation of tasks, time frames for completion, etc. 6.
Assess the results with a follow-up evaluation. Is the situation better or worse? If it is better, do you want to continue? If it is worse, look for another solution from
the brainstorming session and implement it. Be persistent until the problem is resolved.
FIGHTING FAIR 1. Accept the fact that conflict will always exist.
Tension and stress are the basis of most marital conflict, and the military generates a particular kind of stress. Frequent moves - TDYs and deployments 2. Learn to
focus on one issue at a time during a discussion, and think before you speak. Keeping a cool head goes a long way toward resolving problems. 3. During a confrontation, allow your
spouse equal time to speak his/her mind. An argument is essentially a debate and a debate cannot be successful unless both sides get a chance to air their views.
There should be no winners and no losers. 4. When your spouse is talking, LISTEN to what he/she has to say. 5. Use a team approach to problem solving.
Collaborative management is more effective. Remember, two people working as a team can get a lot more done than two adversaries can. 6. Don't run away from a confrontation; either
physically or by using alcohol or drugs. Remember, for help with really tough problems; don't hesitate to contact the Army mental health counselors, chaplains, and social workers.
7. Eliminate verbal weapons such as "I don't love you" or "You don't love me." Such tactics amount to emotional blackmail and can only foster resentment and anger. The military
demands 24-hour availability, which makes it easier for family members to feel as if the service member is more attached to the military than to his/her family. 8. Never say: "I
told you so." Help your partner save face if you should "win." Remember that a problem solved is a win for both. 9. Take "small bites." Don't try to settle a big issue
in one sitting. Take your time and try to resolve the conflict one step at a time. 10. Never argue in bed!! Use a neutral room, and affirm your love often. 11. When
angry, avoid comparing your spouse with someone else or bringing up past situations. Stick to the issues at hand and remember that you are dealing only with the person in front of you.
12. Do not hit below the belt. "Belt line" remarks often concern something in your spouse's appearance that he/she is sensitive about. 13. Learn to deal with jealousy. A
conflict common in military marriages is caused by the recognition awarded to the military member for his/her dedication while the spouse goes unrecognized for her/his efforts and support.
14. Learn to be autonomous. Both you and your spouse will have to learn to do things by yourselves on occasion. 15. Realize that marriages and relationships don't always work
out to be peaches and cream. You must make the choice to STAY together; marriage takes work from both of you. The key to success by using these fair-fighting techniques is the ability to put the interests of the couple above one's own concerns. The next
time an argument arises, try these techniques. After all, you're in this together. MARRIAGE TAKES TWO
PEOPLE WORKING TOGETHER TO MAKE A WINNING TEAM! Families, Children and Deployment For most families a deployment isn't the happiest of occasions. Long separations are
hard on every member of the family, especially those who are left at home. Experience has shown that a deployment is much easier on families if they prepare for it and know the tricks of
getting along during a separation. By following some of these suggestions, the deployment may not be as difficult for your family as it might otherwise be.Husband and Wife
Flowers and gifts can be ordered in advance to arrive on special days. Or make arrangements with a close friend to deliver gifts for the holidays and special days. Younger Children
Make a snapshot picture book of the departing parent doing everyday things with the kids like giving a bath, reading, taking a walk, playing ball, etc. Show the parent in uniform
and where they work if possible. Have the parent send postcards or letters to each child with brief, easy sentences about his daily events. Children love receiving their own mail. Buy
or plan presents for birthdays and holidays in advance and attach special messages. Kids love getting gifts through the mail from other countries. Acquire a world map and you and your
children can follow Dad/Mom around the world. This gives the children more security in knowing about where he/she is. You can also learn some geography by visiting a travel agency for
brochures. Mealtimes and bedtimes are a good time to talk about what they are going to say on the next tape or letter. They can send drawings and schoolwork they are proud of. Send
schedules of ball games, activities, or special events so they can ask how the game or class play went. The "I want my Daddy" problem: One mom gave her child a picture of Daddy in plastic
so she could carry it with her everywhere. The child then felt that her dad was with her all the time. Having photographs and postcards or letters in the child's bedroom, on the
refrigerator, or kitchen bulletin board keeps their existence known and their presence felt. Older Children Include teenagers as much as possible in preparations for
pre-deployment, deployment, and post-deployment. One mom made her teens feel needed and secure by discussing with them areas in which they could help while Dad was away. Emotions
We all get down in the dumps sometimes but what do you do about it? One woman said that after the kids were in bed she put on some music that she and her husband liked, and just
listened. Soon the tears would come and she felt so much better. It beats yelling at the kids. There are times to cry with your children and times to cry alone. It lets
your emotions out instead of keeping them bottled up inside which doesn't really help anyone. Becoming aware of and in touch with your feelings can give you an inside track as to how your
children feel. If it's been two weeks since the last mail and you're feeling a bit blue or irritable, your children may be crawling the walls or withdrawing for these same reasons.
Talk about how you feel. It won't change the fact of no mail but it may give you all extra patience and everyone will feel better knowing that it's OK to feel lonely, isolated, sad, and
frustrated. Emergency Tape your name and address on the telephone. In case of an emergency we tend to forget many important things. It's also important to have the
numbers of a friend, unit, or FSG representative for your children to call in case something should happen, along with police, fire, hospital, etc. Friends Whether it is through
your FSG, church, or neighbors, the support of friends makes the going easier. One thing to avoid is a gossip session because it only breaks down communication and doesn't really help anyone.
Neighbors can be helpful to families when a parent is away. Good neighbors will check in occasionally to see that all is well. And if things aren't going well, they'll usually make
themselves available to help out if they can. Deployments and Children Some say children are relatively unaffected by their parent's absence, but studies indicate that is not true. Children probably experience the
same psychological pattern as the caretaker parent, due to their own feeling of loss and their own awareness, conscious or unconscious, of the caretaker parent's overall emotional
situation. They are, generally, upset when the parent is, and calm when the parent is.Children often test mom to find out if she will bend more when dad's gone, particularly when dad
first leaves and again upon his return. Some women overcompensate for their husband's absence by becoming permissive and/or overprotective with their children. Rules once ironclad, now
change. Some decisions are harder to make alone. This creates a different environment for children. They become caught between two worlds, juggling their behavior according to
whether or not their father is home. Both parents must be consistent in their discipline of the children. Some fathers become one of the kids and expect the wife to mind the children
alone. There is also the mother who essentially leaves the children without a parent at all by deferring all decisions until her husband returns. Upon father's return, children behave in
a variety of ways, happy hugs and kisses, squeals of welcome, but also feelings of hurt, anger, resentment and hostility. Child psychologists say ALL children have both positive and
negative feelings toward the parent. That's okay, as long as the feelings are dealt with honestly. "Children need stability," says one military counselor. "Look at it this way, if
one of the two most important people in your life were constantly coming and going, here two weeks, gone four to eight months, home two days, wouldn't your security be shaken a little?
Imagine what it does to the children." With father gone, children often become the main focus of the mother. But what happens when the husband returns and she becomes a wife again?
The child often feels he or she is not number one anymore and has to take a subordinate role, both physically and emotionally. Insecurity, loss of status, and change in routine all add up to
two complex emotions, hurt and anger, which are usually directed at the returning father. They also feel love, pride, need and security, which causes ambivalence. They just can't
understand what's happening to themselves. Children express their feelings in different ways, and their outward behavior is not always a good reflection of what's going on emotionally.
Some children cover up their feelings, others are more open. A child's rejection, even if it is subtle, can be devastating when experienced by a parent returning home. Some psychologists
say part of a child's negative feelings toward a father may be a reflection of his/her mother's attitudes, suppressed by the wife, but sensed by the children. POINTS TO PONDER Dealing
with all these problems requires the honest expression of feelings in the family. Even if there are no apparent conflicts, the following are recommended to make separations easier.
1. Talk about your feelings. Before leaving, the soldier should sit down with the entire family and discuss the situation, encouraging all to express their feelings about what's
happening. Talk about what will happen when he's gone, and what will be different when he returns. Spouses and children (and soldiers) should admit they don't want to go, if that is
what they actually feel. 2. The family should keep busy during the separation. 3. Family rules should be maintained. Children need the stability of unbroken routine.
If discipline is relaxed while the parent is gone, the children will soon learn to resent the parent's return. 4. Upon returning, the soldier should expect some anger and insecurity along
with love and happiness. These feelings, again, need to be expressed. 5. The soldier may have to court his children as well as the spouse upon their return. 6. The family should
spend as much time together as possible for the first couple of weeks after the separation. 7. All family members must realize that people change. We notice these changes more after
a period of long absence. One counselor notes, "Fathers are sometimes threatened when they come back and see that their families have developed new interests, new friends, even new beliefs,
but they'll adjust better to the changes if they are explained." |
