SEPARATION
WHAT IS A DEPLOYMENT?A deployment is military duty away from home. It may be as short as overnight or as long
as an unaccompanied overseas tour. The purpose for these deployments or separations is to keep our military forces at a high state of readiness and to meet our global military
commitments. Your sponsor may deploy at any time, although most separations are scheduled well in advance. The nature of the military makes it extremely important to have your family
affairs in order so that you will be able to take care of unexpected situations that may come up during a deployment or separation. Did you know that
every one of us who faces separation goes through four basic stages? By becoming aware of these stages we will be able to better cope with the situation. We will not be mystified or
afraid of these stages, but rather, will use them to better ourselves and the relations with our spouses and children. Protest...against your sponsor's departure usually comes a week or
two before he is due to leave. Spouses talk of feeling tense, selfish, unbelieving that he/she will actually leave, and guilty about not wanting their sponsor to go. There is also
frustration with the increased hours your sponsor spends getting ready to leave, your awareness of how much family business must be handled before they go and how many household chores you
will acquire after they leave, and a bona fide physical, as well as mental, exhaustion for both spouses. Despair...is the tearful period which may come even before your spouse
departs. Thoughts like, "How will I ever do this without him/her?" are common. There is also difficulty in sleeping due to general fear for one's safety; even the usual noises in the
house seem threatening. Remember your children will be feeling the same way. Detachment...is the level on which you live for most of the separation. It is a state of
relative calm and confidence in handling day-to-day living. If a major crisis occurs, however, you may tend to revert to the stages of despair and protest. Return adjustment...is
accompanied by awareness of the noises in the house. Many spouses experience an incredible emotional and physical frenzy, getting every inch of the house and themselves ready for his/her
arrival. Your spouse arrives exhausted from the final days away, eager to be home. The first days of unwinding bring long conversations to attempt to catch up. Finally he/she spends
lots of time sleeping. Also be prepared for your spouse to spend a few days of "getting his/her equipment squared away" after he/she returns. EXPECTATIONS AND IMPACT OF SEPARATION Emotion and BehaviorThere will be emotional and behavioral stages of
separation, such as denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. These are difficult to accept, go through, and face; but in order to bring about successful adjustment and emotional and
spiritual health we must deal with them. Reaction to Change There will be unexpected, both negative and positive, information flow that in turn will cause family members/soldiers to
react in various ways. Be ready to listen and answer all questions. Roles and Responsibilities There will be changes in roles of individuals, as well as their
responsibilities. Family members will pick up the responsibility for the role the soldier filled. Don't expect them to fill the vacancy your way, they aren't you! Economics
There will be an economic change because one family member is now out of the home. Communication
Mission, resources, time, and distance all affect when and how often family members communicate.
COPING WITH SEPARATION Deployments aren't the happiest of occasions. Separations for practically any length of time are hard on every family member. Deployments are easier on families if they prepare for it
and know tricks for getting along during separation.COMMUNICATION The need for 2-way communication continues even though you are separated by distance. FAMILY TALK:
Families add a special request in the evening grace or bedtime prayers. "Please bless our Daddy while he's far away from us, and all other families." This ties the child to God, his
dad, and all others in similar situations. WRITE: Contrary to popular belief, in the case of separation, "No news can be BAD news." Write regularly and use the
correct mailing address. Keep in mind that if your spouse is a long way from home; mail may be slow. To reduce your worries when you haven't heard from your spouse, contact the FSG to
catch up on the news. The actual address for your spouse may be a little different during different deployments. It is essential, however, that you always use your spouse's full name,
rank and unit. The Command will give specific mailing instructions during the pre-deployment briefing. Write that address below:
Rank: _________ Name: ____________________________________________________ UNIT: ___________________________________________________________________
APO: ___________________________________________________________________ LETTERS: Some husbands and wives number their letters to eliminate confusion. Funny cards are a
great way to reach out and close the distance brought on by a deployment. ØAnswer all
questions. Write with his/her letter and picture in front of you as though talking directly to him/her. Let him/her know how much you appreciate the letters, tapes, pictures,
etc. Mention one or two things in each communication which made you feel especially close. ØRemember the need to verbally express affection does not diminish with the miles. "I love you" means just as much when it is written during
separation as it does when it is whispered in person. Share your feelings as openly as you can without indulging in self-pity. Let your spouse know you'd like to share his/her feelings.
ØAbove all, express yourself clearly so he/she won't have to say, "I wonder what was
meant by that!" On the other hand, don't try to read between the lines or interpret a puzzling remark. If you don't understand, ask questions in your next letter. Otherwise take
things at "face value." ØEach child could write individual letters to the deployed parent,
and the parent needs to answer those letters. Send schedules of ball games and special events so mom/dad can ask how the game or class event went. Mail is an important communication
device; use it often and make it cheerful and newsy. CASSETTES/VIDEOS: Consider buying a pair of cassette recorders or a video camera so that you and your spouse can send "talking letters." Record cassettes or
videos. Record bath times, dinner times, etc., and have the kids talk to their parent. Have Dad/Mom tape record some of the children's favorite stories before deployment. Later
on they can listen or read along with him/her. Record his/her favorite TV shows. The entire unit will enjoy viewing shows and sports events from home.HOUSE RULES: It
is helpful, especially for older children to sit down as a family and discuss house rules before a deployment. The children are more likely to remember the rules as "family" or "house"
rules rather than "mom's" or "dad's" rules. Maintain the same rules for the children; they need the stability of an unbroken routine. E-MAIL: It is very likely that you will
be able to communicate via electronic mail either from your home or from a computer in the unit. TELEPHONE: This is a quick way to communicate. However, remember overseas
calls are very expensive and your spouse does not always have access to a telephone. GIFTS: Buy or plan presents in advance for special days. Make arrangements with a close
friend to deliver gifts on those special days. Sometimes it would be wise to buy a special gift to give to your children just prior to your departure - a "special" treasure from Daddy/Mommy.
PICTURE: Make a picture book of the parent doing everyday things with the kids, like giving a bath, reading, taking a walk, playing ball, etc. Show the parent in uniform and
where he/she works (if possible). If you don't own a camera, borrow a friend's or contact the photo craft shop for assistance. MAP: Acquire a world map; your children can
follow dad/mom around the world. You can also obtain brochures from a travel agency. DISCIPLINE: Deployment of a parent can be difficult for children. Often they are
too young to understand why he/she has gone; they feel deserted. Parents left behind should maintain continuity of discipline as an important step to maintaining consistency. If a
parent relaxes discipline while the spouse is gone, the children will soon learn to resent his/her return. SPECIAL TIMES: Meals and bed times are important times for small children
while parents are away. It may be a good time to talk about what they are going to say to dad/mom on the next tape or in their next letter. "I WANT MY DADDY/MOMMY!": One
parent gave her child a picture of Daddy in plastic so she could carry it with her everywhere; the child then felt her dad was with her all the time. TEENAGERS: Include teenagers
in preparations for pre-deployment, deployment, and post-deployment. One parent made his teens feel needed and secure by discussing with them areas in which they could help while mom was
away: shopping, preparing the grocery list, etc. Agree upon chores. EMERGENCY: In case of emergency, we tend to forget many important things. It's important to have
telephone numbers of friends or your FSG representative for your children to call in case of an emergency, along with police, fire department, hospital, etc. TALK ABOUT FEELINGS:
Before leaving, parents should sit down with the family and discuss what is happening. Talk about what will happen when they're gone and what will be different when they return. It is okay to admit you don't want the parent to go.
EMOTIONS: We all get down in the dumps sometimes, but what do you do about it? One parent said after the kids were in bed, she listened to music she and her spouse
liked. Soon the tears came and she felt much better. She was able to release the pent-up emotions. There are times to cry with your children and times to cry by yourself
Becoming aware of and being in touch with your feelings can give you an inside track as to how your children feel. If it's been two weeks since the last letter and you're feeling a bit blue
or irritable, your children may be climbing the walls or withdrawing for the same reason. Talk about how you feel. It won't change the fact that there is no mail, but it may give you
the extra patience you need. Everyone will feel better knowing that it's okay to feel lonely, isolated, sad, or frustrated. DON'T OVERLOAD YOUR CHILDREN: It is imperative
that you do not heap too much responsibility on your children; e.g., "It is now your job to take care of Mommy." Let your child be a child and YOU take care of Mommy. You can give
them special tasks to do, but do not saddle a child with an adult job. COPING WITH STRESS Being a military family develops pride in serving one's country and provides many rich and
new experiences. Pressures and frustrations often result from:
Lengthy deployments Frequent relocation
Family finances Career changes in retirement
Separation from family and friends Single parenting during your soldier's absence
Constant adjustment to varying duty schedules Ø
Nearly every military family has difficulty coping with problems from time to time. Pressures can become so great that many
areas of life can be affected. For example, a spouse's absence may have left the remaining spouse emotionally and physically drained in his/her role of single parent, while the children are
having a like adjustment problem expressed through disciplinary problems while father or mother is gone. The match of an overworked and drained parent with unruly children trying to test
new limits can easily escalate into a frightful and destructive lifestyle. This is a strong signal that help outside the family is needed. ØThe military family can
help themselves through these stressors unique to their lifestyle. For example, when father is away from home for extended periods, it is important to maintain caring and discipline for the
children as if dad were home. Children may try to take advantage of possible new freedoms with father gone, and a continuing stable home life is important for their psychological
adjustment. Consistent rules, a consistent daily household schedule and special time for the children to be with mother are important parts of minimizing the stress of father's absence.
ØParents and children need to keep social activities alive while the military spouse is gone. Providing regular outlets for contact with other
people fulfills basic needs for comfort and stability. For example, the military spouse may feel overworked with additional worries while the soldier is gone, but time set aside for
visiting friends or relatives, going out to enjoy a movie or dinner, or becoming involved in local activities, will help immensely. Your Family Support Group can be of great assistance in
alleviating the stress of a separation or deployment. Ø
Children may try to take advantage of possible new freedoms. A stable home life is important for their psychological
adjustment. Consistent rules, a consistent household schedule and special time set aside for families are important to minimizing the stress of a parent's absence.
STRESS MANAGEMENT TIPS GET UP EARLIER to allow yourself more time before starting the day's work.PRIORITIZE
what is truly critical and pace yourself accordingly. Before you begin your work day, PAUSE to notice what kind of day it is. BE REALISTIC
and kind to yourself when making your "to do" list. TAKE LUNCH OR BREAKS away from your work area, avoid eating quickly, and do not talk about work. Spend your LEISURE TIME
with enthusiastic, upbeat friends. Since many of your friends will be in the same position as you, you should be enthusiastic and upbeat with them. During the day, REST
quietly for five minutes or take a brief walk. SAY "NO" when you need to. ASK
for help when you need it, whether it's time away from the children, a counseling session, or a vacation. FOCUS on immediate or short-term goals that are attainable.
COLLECT APPRECIATION that is due. Accept praise and thank you's. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
when you are down and out, play your favorite song, see a movie, give up on the housework for the evening etc. ANALYZE YOUR MOODS, energy, and time. Are you down at certain times
of the day, week, or month? Plan and prepare. Use RELAXATION, meditation, music, religion, nature, or whatever to reenergize yourself. PAY ATTENTION
to your diet, sleep, exercise and general health. VOLUNTEER! Helping others is good medicine for soul and spirit to fill your empty days. Call the Red Cross or ACS for
volunteer opportunities. SET A GOAL. Start the project you have been putting off. Begin a self-improvement program. Go back to school. Do something for yourself.
INITIATE. Don't wait for the phone to ring. Plan an outing or a special dinner, then call several friends to join you. TRAVEL. New scenery and change of pace, if
only for a day or two, does wonders for the spirit. Plan on taking friends and making it a day of it. GO TO WORK. A full or part time job can provide extra income as well as
opportunities for interaction. JOIN
a support group. Whether it be through the Family Support Group, your church/chapel/ synagogue, or work, the support of friends makes the going easier. Take up a new HOBBY
or return to the one you gave up. DON'T FEEL GUILTY about going out with friends and leaving your children with a sitter. That is the cheapest form of sanity check available.
KEEP A JOURNAL of your thoughts and activities while your spouse is away to help catch up when the unit returns. Be sure to include pictures. |
