Feelings and Behaviors that affect the Family's Adjustment to parent absence

PRE-DEPLOYMENT

Any combination of these

Could lead to any of these

FEELINGS

BEHAVIORS

PARENTS

Resentment

Arguing to distance one's self/to express anger

Anger

Soldier withholds notice to deploy until last minute

Guilt

Lack of adequate preparation due to denial

Frustration

Emotional and Physical Withdrawal

Anxiousness

Sadness

PRESCHOOL CHILDREN

Confusion

Clinging

Surprise

Irritability

Guilt during magical thinking period

Increase of attention-seeking behavior (+ and -)

Sadness

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILDREN

Sadness

Behavior Problems

Anger

Regressive Behaviors

Separation Anxiety

Angry outbursts mixed with clinging

Guilt during early latency

May feel cause of parent's departure (even if discussed)

Feels lonely before soldier leaves

ADOLESCENT CHILDREN

Sadness

Aloofness, don't care attitude

Fear of parent's rejection

Arguing as defense against closeness or expression of anger

Anger

Friends take on increased value

Denial of feelings

DEPLOYMENT

Any combination of these

Could lead to any of these

FEELINGS

BEHAVIORS

PARENTS

Feels overwhelmed and depressed

May just give in to battle with kids and ease up on rules, routines etc.

Displaces anxiety

Physical complaints, body aches 

More independent and assertive

Things start to be done parent's way

Anger

 Everything that goes wrong blamed on parents

Fear of infidelity

Withdraw from kids even more

Parent resents kids taking their anger out on him/her

Overprotective, kids may begin to sleep in parent's bed

PRESCHOOL CHILDREN

Sadness

Change in appetite or sleep

Feelings of abandonment

Father/Mother hunger

Separation anxiety

Behavior problems…may act out

Confusion over routine change

Parent's anger or anxiety

Feelings of guilt for parent's sadness

Evidence of lowered self-esteem

Attempt to care for parent

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILDREN

Feel like the man around the house/Feel like mom's companion

School problems (Dad's/Mom's not here to make me do it)

Loneliness (Parent often a pal)

Swing from very responsible to very irresponsible

Fear that separation between mom and dad may be permanent

 Bed wetting may increase/ May act out parent's distress, own anger

Feelings of abandonment

Increased aggressive or hypermasculinebehavior

May feel cause of parent's departure (even if discussed)

ADOLESCENT CHILDREN

Sadness

School problems

Independence (as defense and development task)

Behavior problems

Anger

Control problems (absent parent not here for control)

POST-DEPLOYMENT

Any combination of these

Could lead to any of these

FEELINGS

BEHAVIORS

PARENTS

Fear of infidelity

Questioning, suspiciousness, incidence of spouse abuse

Let down (fantasy of reunion doesn't live up to expectations)

Withdraw or try to take power back through physical violence

Anger at absence

Difficulties compromising, often wants others to take care of me

Jealousy of kid's preference for other parent

Both feel I had it worse

PRESCHOOL CHILDREN

Joy, Excitement

May have made something for returning parent, wants recognition

Wants reassurance

Clingy

Anger causes desire to punish or retaliate against returning parent

Oppositional/Avoidal behavior

May be afraid of returning parent

Attention seeking behavior, compete with other parent and siblings

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILDREN

Joy, Excitement

May have made something for returning parent and wants recognition

Remaining anger

Attention seeking behavior after things have settled

Anxiety over changing roles in family

May act out anger

Competition with dad for masculine role

May attempt to initially split parents

ADOLESCENT CHILDREN

Anger

Defiance

Relief

Behavior problems

Resentment

School Problems